Archives for August, 2007
Accepting Compliments (aka Letting Love In)
Tuesday was an incredibly intense and enlightening day. I actually began to have some wonderful breakthroughs with myself last week, but on Tuesday a large number of the notions I had about my life (and life in general) exploded right before my eyes. I told Mark that it was like I have been stumbling around in a dark room, cursing everything I bumped into or couldn’t find or see or do because of the darkness, and even cursing the darkness itself … and then someone came along and flipped the light-switch. That’s the best analogy I could come up with to describe what happened to me. It happened almost that fast. It happened in a very big way and almost unbelievably fast. And it has been both starkly humbling and extremely exciting at the same time.
After I decided to fight cynicism with smiles, I expanded an earlier Google search for images of “be happy” to include non-images. I came across an online copy of a book called You Can Choose To Be Happy: “Rise Above” Anxiety, Anger, and Depression
On Monday I had decided I should get out of the office more during lunchtime. Usually if I even leave the office at lunch, I drive somewhere. But I didn’t want to drive anywhere, and I decided going for a walk would help clear my mind. It had been a good experience for me on Monday, so I decided to do it again on Tuesday. I had printed out a section of the “Choose to be Happy” book to read along the way and while I was eating. As I passed by a bus stop, a man standing there said, “My, don’t you look gorgeous today!” (I actually can’t remember exactly what adjective he used – it could have been beautiful or something else, but that doesn’t matter.)
I have to tell you that I usually get really annoyed when guys say things to me like that. I could probably go even further and say that I would too often get annoyed when anybody even talked to me. (Yeah; you read that right.) I have sort of perfected this facial expression (very much akin to a scowl) to make myself unapproachable, and it seems to work on most of the population. Some people seem to be immune to it, though, and others have even tried to change it – on occasion going so far as to actually tell me to smile. That didn’t really work - they would end up getting a forced smile … and I would end up getting angry. As I write this now, it is hard for me to stomach having an attitude like that, but I had no problem with it for years. Accepting compliments (especially from strangers) is something with which I have always had difficulty, but this time it was different. It was so weirdly different that I can still vividly feel the emotions I went through when I think about it. After the man said what he said to me, I actually paused, looked up from my papers, looked directly at him, and thanked him – with words and a nice big grin. It just happened … and it did not feel fake or forced; it felt sincere and warm. And it had made me smile.
As I continued on my way, I began to think about why he said that to me. He obviously did not have to share his thoughts, and I concluded that his motivation was probably as simple as just wanting to see me smile. He had essentially handed me a little piece of happiness, and for the first time in my life that I am aware of, I accepted it fully … from a stranger … without reservation or cynicism or feeling annoyed. It was easy, and I felt wonderful. And I had an overwhelming urge to want to do the same for someone else. Wow!!! (Do I even need to expand on that last point?) And then, at the same time, I suddenly felt a huge rush of anguish for what a terrible person I have been all this time, rejecting the proffered pieces of happiness that others have tried to share with me. I mean, what better gift could someone give? And how could I have been so callous? How could I dare act like I was too good to accept the one thing I really want in life? Well, I won’t anymore. Not if I can help it!
“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” (Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays with Morrie
Total Eclipse of the Moon
Every Friday I get a weekly bulletin from Sky & Telescope in my Inbox. It usually goes unread, but this time I happened to peruse it. I was excited to find out that there was a lunar eclipse taking place this week with the best viewing in the Pacific time zone. The weather looked like it would hold, so I set several alarms for the wee hours of the morning in order to witness some of it. I think the event was the most spectacular just before the start of the total eclipse, when there was just a small sliver of the silvery moon still showing. I was not able to capture that on film, though. (The partial eclipse started at 1:51 AM and ended at 5:24 AM, with the total eclipse lasting from 2:52 AM to 4:23 AM.) This is one of the better shots I got, occurring at the end of the partial eclipse.
According to the article, the next lunar eclipse will be on February 21, 2008.
Fighting Cynicism … With Smiles
I tried something new today. On the way to work I made myself smile. And not just once; I tried to make myself smile the whole way. I can’t say I was entirely successful, but I put in a good effort. It was actually a lot more difficult than I had anticipated, and it put me into a rather philosophical frame of mind that managed to bring me to the verge of tears. I began to wonder how it was I could claim to be so full of hope yet at the same time remain so dreadfully cynical. I began to think that my purporting to be an existentialist in the humanistic sense lacked serious substance.
At the beginning of the year I came across a wonderfully profound article by Nathan J. Hun, entitled “Sadness and the Tragic Sense of Life”. It touched me because it put into words some of my own thoughts and feelings. Jun wrote, “It may be argued that [my] analysis … implies a highly morbid and pessimistic view of human life. … I respond that this view is only pessimistic if one chooses to regard the tragic nature of the universe as an inescapable hindrance … It seems to me, on the contrary, that the inevitability of loss is a profound impetus toward enjoying things while they last. … We cannot be happy indefinitely … But we can be happy in the short term, in between the losses, by living heroically, passionately, and authentically.”
As I re-read Jun’s article today, I remember how inspired I was by it. It reminded me that sadness does not have to beget hopelessness, and that, “sadness is not something to be overcome, but embraced with a kind of stoical resolve”. Jun concluded the piece by saying, “The tragic sense of life, then, is a clarion call for us to bear the responsibility of making things good and beautiful in spite of their impermanence.”
I have been very unhappy lately, and I had obviously forgotten about the “burden” – nay “freedom” of defining myself, and about taking responsibility for my actions … and my attitude. I will never let go of my hope, but I think it is time for me to let go of some of my cynicism (or at least reduce it to a less-damaging cautiousness) … and to just be happier.
Apparently research has shown that happiness can actually be imbued with a mere smile, so while the smiling task I set out to accomplish this morning seemed difficult at the time … really, what simpler action could I possibly take? I have to admit that it had some effect. (Heck, I’m even blogging about it!) So in the end, I definitely think it was a worthwhile exercise … and it is something I will be doing more often.
Possession Point Diving
Mark, Scott, and I chartered the Foment Descent (aka Dolphin Charters) to dive the Possession Point Ferry this past Saturday.
The day started out cool and overcast - perfect for donning heavy drysuit undergarments, and the ride out to the remains of the Washington State Ferry, Kehloken, was pleasantly smooth. We enjoyed hanging out with Harald (the Owner-Captain), who was a far cry from the typical left-wing homegrown local. He is one of the most politically well-read persons I have met since my law school days … which is surprising only in comparison to a majority of the American-born citizenry. He is also a man after my own heart in the sense that he is not afraid to have an opinion contrary to many … and even more to the point, he is not afraid to say what he thinks - political-correctness be damned. It was interesting entertaining conversation, and it felt more like we were spending the day on a friend’s boat than just paying for a ride.
Once the anchor was dropped, we grabbed a line and jumped into the water. The visibility and currents at the surface were not very welcoming, but at depth the vis’ was fantastic (about 30 feet or so on the Ferry and 20 feet or so on the Wall) and the currents were mild-to-nonexistent. The dive sites themselves were eminently good. My inner skeptic actually hadn’t expected them to be so excellent, so I was pleasantly surprised. There is an abundance of life out there, and both sites contained a lot. The Ferry was quite large, and teeming with anemones and rockfish. The Wall itself was more barren than expected, but it had a lot more structure than the usual vertical surface and was actually quite fascinating. Despite the lack of growth on the wall, there was an amazing variety of life there, including two different schools of fish. My favorite creatures of the trip were on the Wall - the very large Striped Nudibranch pictured above (who was about 5 inches long), and a rather large Spiny Dogfish - my first coldwater shark. My favorite creatures of the trip were on the Wall - the very large Striped Nudibranch picture above (who was about 5 inches long), and a rather large Spiny Dogfish - my first coldwater shark. I wish I gotten more good photos of the great life out there, but the conditions were challenging for me in that respect (and diving a square profile proffers less photograph-able bottom time). The day ended just as wonderfully as it began, though; just oppositely warm and sunny - perfect for combating the wet chill of two coldwater dives.
Thanks to Harald for the superb Saturday outing! And thanks to Mark (my “significant buddy”) and our friend, Scott, for being my dive buddies for the day! I had a fantastic time, and I don’t doubt we’ll do it again.
08/07/2007 Note:
I never asked Harald about the name of his boat. “Foment” was a word I was not familiar with, though, so I looked it up online. It turns out that “foment” means “to promote the growth or development of” or to “rouse” or “incite.” Knowing what I learned about Harald’s political ideology during our brief time with time with him, I figured the name was a deliberate pun on his part.
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